Everything happens for a reason...
It's been over a month since my last post. I could have done some lazy posting, but that's not what I want to achieve with my blog. Over the past month, I've had a roller coaster of experiences and emotions, and I feel it is time to write some of these thoughts down.
At the beginning of last month, I went through a bit of a depression period. Obviously I didn't need to take Prozac, or even feel the urge to take anti-depressants, but the feelings were pretty strong and at times I got quite upset and frustrated with myself. There were events in my life that I questioned. In particular, I thought about all the things that could have been... if things had turned out differently. Why didn't I do more in high school? Why wasn't I more involved at university? Why did I stay in university for five long years? Why didn't I accept that job offer instead of working at the university for a year? Why did it take so long to finally go travelling? Why, why, why?
And there were many more questions I kept asking myself, and I couldn't come up with any reasonable answers.
These feelings are symptomatic to what is known as a Quarter-life Crisis, which is named by analogy with the mid-life crisis. Indeed, I was going through a quarter-life crisis of my own. I've been through these feelings before and normally got through it unscathed. But this episode was particularly crippling, going as far as to affect my work and personal life. It was fair to say that I was a bit of a wreck.
It all started when I was flicking through one of my friend's photo albums. I wanted to see what they were like, what they got up to, and their life experiences, when they were just starting to step into adulthood, around the 18-20 year-old mark. These albums were very comprehensive, and I immediately learned that this person liked to keep memories of all that happened to them at the time.
And then I immediately started questioning why I didn't have these kinds of experiences when I was at, or around, the same stage in my life. It all felt so unfair. It felt like I had failed an exam and had to be held back an extra year just to make it up. I didn't realise it at the time, but I was already feeling insecure about my past and present accomplishments. And the fact that I will be turning 30 next month, and the nostalgic memories contained in the albums, triggered such a strong unhealthy emotional response.
I thought about all the possible scenarios that could have resulted if I had done something differently in life. For example, if I had chosen that job offer, instead of working at the university, I could have gained more work experience starting from a younger age, and I would have gotten further along in my chosen career. Instead, I spent a year working at the university doing an unsatisfying job. Another example was why didn't I go travelling a lot earlier in my life. I recall the possibility of living in Japan for a time after I had finished high school. If I had gone down that path I would have gained an enormous life experience at such a young age, which would have served me well later on. Instead I went to university, and stayed there for five years. The more I entertained these fantasy scenarios in my mind, the more I got depressed with reality. But to relieve the depression I would entertain more fantasy scenarios in my mind thinking how good life could have been... only to get myself even more depressed with my current situation when I realised that it didn't happen at all.
I didn't realise it at the time, but I was caught up in a vicious cycle.
Whilst going through my mp3 collection for some melancholic tracks to reflect the mood I was in, I listened to one track which I haven't heard for a very long time. The song is a soundtrack from one of my favourite animated movies, Joseph: King of Dreams. If you're not familiar with the biblical account of Joseph, Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, and is made a servant of a wealthy Egyptian named Potiphar, eventually becoming the head of the household. When Potiphar's wife tries to seduce Joseph and accuses him of rape, Potiphar casts Joseph into jail.
The song that he sang in jail struck a chord in me. The song is called Better Than I. Have a listen to it, and decide for yourself whether it speaks to you as clearly as it spoke to me.
When I heard those words "You know better than I, You know the way, I've let go the need to know why, for you know better than I", I knew that there was no point entertaining any fantasy scenarios in my head. I had to drop what I was feeling and just put my trust in Him. And then I thought of Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Everything happens for a reason. And whatever things that happened in the past happened for a particular reason. And even up till now, I still don't know the reasons, but I've slowly let go the need to know why. Slowly, but surely, I managed to cut away the internal conflict that was haunting me during the month. Playing this track on repeat has been more-or-less therapeutic to me during this difficult time.
It took a while to get over these negative feelings, but I think I've gotten through the worst of it. I'm now travelling in the UK, which is what I've always wanted, so I'm happy that I've managed to make it happen, even if it did take a lot longer than I would have liked. The number one objective while I am here is to do as much as I can. But I also need to put my trust in God because he has a plan for me.
I want to continue onto my next topic Is Change Good?, but I feel that this would make this blog post very long. So I will split it into two parts, and will write the second part once I've managed to articulate my thoughts better on the subject. To be continued.....
I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear
You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I
If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through
I try to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in you
For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I
I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me will you teach me
For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I
It's been over a month since my last post. I could have done some lazy posting, but that's not what I want to achieve with my blog. Over the past month, I've had a roller coaster of experiences and emotions, and I feel it is time to write some of these thoughts down.
At the beginning of last month, I went through a bit of a depression period. Obviously I didn't need to take Prozac, or even feel the urge to take anti-depressants, but the feelings were pretty strong and at times I got quite upset and frustrated with myself. There were events in my life that I questioned. In particular, I thought about all the things that could have been... if things had turned out differently. Why didn't I do more in high school? Why wasn't I more involved at university? Why did I stay in university for five long years? Why didn't I accept that job offer instead of working at the university for a year? Why did it take so long to finally go travelling? Why, why, why?
And there were many more questions I kept asking myself, and I couldn't come up with any reasonable answers.
These feelings are symptomatic to what is known as a Quarter-life Crisis, which is named by analogy with the mid-life crisis. Indeed, I was going through a quarter-life crisis of my own. I've been through these feelings before and normally got through it unscathed. But this episode was particularly crippling, going as far as to affect my work and personal life. It was fair to say that I was a bit of a wreck.
It all started when I was flicking through one of my friend's photo albums. I wanted to see what they were like, what they got up to, and their life experiences, when they were just starting to step into adulthood, around the 18-20 year-old mark. These albums were very comprehensive, and I immediately learned that this person liked to keep memories of all that happened to them at the time.
And then I immediately started questioning why I didn't have these kinds of experiences when I was at, or around, the same stage in my life. It all felt so unfair. It felt like I had failed an exam and had to be held back an extra year just to make it up. I didn't realise it at the time, but I was already feeling insecure about my past and present accomplishments. And the fact that I will be turning 30 next month, and the nostalgic memories contained in the albums, triggered such a strong unhealthy emotional response.
I thought about all the possible scenarios that could have resulted if I had done something differently in life. For example, if I had chosen that job offer, instead of working at the university, I could have gained more work experience starting from a younger age, and I would have gotten further along in my chosen career. Instead, I spent a year working at the university doing an unsatisfying job. Another example was why didn't I go travelling a lot earlier in my life. I recall the possibility of living in Japan for a time after I had finished high school. If I had gone down that path I would have gained an enormous life experience at such a young age, which would have served me well later on. Instead I went to university, and stayed there for five years. The more I entertained these fantasy scenarios in my mind, the more I got depressed with reality. But to relieve the depression I would entertain more fantasy scenarios in my mind thinking how good life could have been... only to get myself even more depressed with my current situation when I realised that it didn't happen at all.
I didn't realise it at the time, but I was caught up in a vicious cycle.
Whilst going through my mp3 collection for some melancholic tracks to reflect the mood I was in, I listened to one track which I haven't heard for a very long time. The song is a soundtrack from one of my favourite animated movies, Joseph: King of Dreams. If you're not familiar with the biblical account of Joseph, Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, and is made a servant of a wealthy Egyptian named Potiphar, eventually becoming the head of the household. When Potiphar's wife tries to seduce Joseph and accuses him of rape, Potiphar casts Joseph into jail.
The song that he sang in jail struck a chord in me. The song is called Better Than I. Have a listen to it, and decide for yourself whether it speaks to you as clearly as it spoke to me.
When I heard those words "You know better than I, You know the way, I've let go the need to know why, for you know better than I", I knew that there was no point entertaining any fantasy scenarios in my head. I had to drop what I was feeling and just put my trust in Him. And then I thought of Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Everything happens for a reason. And whatever things that happened in the past happened for a particular reason. And even up till now, I still don't know the reasons, but I've slowly let go the need to know why. Slowly, but surely, I managed to cut away the internal conflict that was haunting me during the month. Playing this track on repeat has been more-or-less therapeutic to me during this difficult time.
It took a while to get over these negative feelings, but I think I've gotten through the worst of it. I'm now travelling in the UK, which is what I've always wanted, so I'm happy that I've managed to make it happen, even if it did take a lot longer than I would have liked. The number one objective while I am here is to do as much as I can. But I also need to put my trust in God because he has a plan for me.
I want to continue onto my next topic Is Change Good?, but I feel that this would make this blog post very long. So I will split it into two parts, and will write the second part once I've managed to articulate my thoughts better on the subject. To be continued.....
I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear
You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I
If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through
I try to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in you
For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I
I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me will you teach me
For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I
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