Shanghai Kiss

I gotta get back to my roots...

A couple of weeks ago I watched a movie, called Shanghai Kiss, about a Chinese-American guy named Liam (played by Ken Leung of Rush Hour, Lost and X-Men 3) living in Los Angeles. While on a bus, he meets Adelaide, a young high school student (played by the very cute Hayden Panettiere of Heroes), and they become quick friends. The age difference between them is 12 years. Liam feels guilt for becoming friends with such a young girl, but they connect instantly on an intellectual level.

Liam suddenly has to go to China after learning from his father that he has inherited his grandmother's home in Shanghai. He's not very appreciative of his Chinese roots and at first only wants to sell the house and get back to Los Angeles as fast as possible. But he gets a taste of the Chinese culture after meeting Micki, a Chinese girl (played by Kelly Hu of Martial Law), and ends up having some big decisions to make.

Does he stay in China and live as a Chinese person in his grandmother's house with Micki? Or does he reconcile with Adelaide back in Los Angeles?

I absolutely enjoyed this movie. It was funny, romantic, dramatic and raises some Asian stereotypes that still exist in our society. But the main reason I enjoyed this movie was because it was so easy for me to relate to the main character, Liam. Liam is a Chinese-American who doesn't speak Chinese, whereas I am a Chinese-New Zealander who also doesn't speak Chinese. And both of us don't know much about our Chinese roots. The best part of the movie was when Liam tries to speak Chinese to the taxi driver, and the taxi driver takes him on a longer-than-anticipated ride through Shanghai, due to the taxi driver not understanding Liam's Chinese.

Despite the huge age difference, and the unlikely relationship of a Chinese guy with a White high school girl, Liam and Adelaide displayed a chemistry in their friendship that was so sweet and convincing. The chemistry between Liam and Micki was just as sincere. I have only seen Ken Leung in a few movies, mostly in minor roles. But he proved he is a great actor and did a great job in the leading role in this film. Hayden Panettiere is Hayden Panettiere; she oozed cuteness throughout the movie, but also did a great job as Liam's "girlfriend".

I won't be going to China any time soon, but after watching the movie I was moved to know a lot more about my culture, language and my roots. However I will always be a Chinese-New Zealander, and I am proud to be a Kiwi too.

Daffy like a duck...

The Quarter-Life Crisis / Is Change Good? Part 2

What do you do when the Head says "Go!" but the Heart says "Stay!"?

A couple of weeks later, my manager dropped a bombshell. He wanted me to consider going to Spain to work on a big project there.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It felt as if something dear to me was being taken away, never to be given back.

Initially I was very hesitant to go. But I said I would think about it. Deep down in my heart I didn't wish to leave the UK. I have a fantastic house, a nice housemate, and a quiet town to live in. And having been in the UK for eight months, I felt I was not ready to make another big move. But I also started thinking back on my quarter-life crisis episode earlier in the month. This was an opportunity that I was being presented with, and I'm thinking of turning it down? How many times have I turned down opportunities in the past, only to regret that decision down the track?

It was a very tough decision. And it basically boiled down to who I should listen to? Should I listen to my heart and stay, or should I listen to my head and go? On one day, my head persuaded me to go over to Spain, only for the heart to present an equally convincing counter-argument persuading me to stay in the UK.

But it seemed that the heart was stronger in the battle. The quarter-life crisis episode, so clear in my mind, wasn't enough to persuade me to move. So I decided to turn down the opportunity. When it was time to catch-up with my manager, I told him that I wasn't ready to move. He basically qualified the situation and paraphrased something like this: This is the situation. After your current project in the UK, I cannot guarantee any more work if you stay.

I was shell-shocked. I had always suspected that the region was getting a bit slim on work, but I had to hear it from him myself. He asked me to think it over again in the weekend.

The cards had been dealt on the table, and I didn't have a good hand. In my mind, I was basically forced to fold. After a weekend to think about it further (but more like going through the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and coming to acceptance stages, like in the grieving process), I acknowledged to my manager that I have accepted the opportunity.

All the plans that I had made in the UK had suddenly disappeared and a new series of events had been put into motion. My current to-do list was completely scrapped and replaced with an even longer to-do list just to prepare for the relocation, which is happening in early August.

The first thing I had to do was to inform Tina that I was leaving, and it was one of the most difficult things I have had to do. We sat in the lounge and, holding back the tears, I told her that I had to leave Reading.

She asked whether I was leaving my job.
"No, not exactly. I'm just relocating."
"Where will you be going?"
"To Spain."

She had a surprised look on her face, followed by a "I'm pleased for you" look. It was obvious from her reaction that she saw something that I didn't.

I explained to her that I wanted to stay here in Reading, but Spain has more work and that I was the obvious person from the UK region to go over. To which she replied that I had no choice but to keep my job and go to Spain, or risk being made jobless and fight with thousands of other unemployed people out there, most of whom had been made redundant and desperate to find work. One of the anecdotes that she shared was that McDonald's receives hundreds of job applications every day, even from redundant bankers desperate for work.

She just made perfect sense, and I knew it. Out of all the options out there, this was by far the simplest. I couldn't believe other people had suggested that I look for a new job just for the sake of staying in the UK.

After I told my bad news, due to the present economic climate, I learned that she also is facing uncertainty over her job. This made me realise that if you have a job, in difficult times like these, you should do whatever you can to keep your job secure. Hence her common sense answer.

She reassured me that I will like Spain, and shared her experiences. From dining in Tapas bars, to the beautiful Spanish weather, to kicking water barefoot during a heavy thunderstorm, and knowing which parts of Majorca have English and German tourists. I couldn't help laugh, despite feeling bad on the inside. After all, I admit that I have developed a fondness for Reading, the house, and my housemate. And I was reluctant to give it all up.

I'm not happy that I have to leave Reading, but accepting the move to Spain was the right thing to do, given the circumstances. I won't need to feel despondent about missing out on yet another opportunity, but as ridiculous as it sounds I just hope there aren't any nagging feelings about what could have been if I stayed in Reading. Then again, if I had to choose between Reading UK and Palma Spain, without having been there before, I would definitely choose Palma Spain.

The month of June has taught me a lot about myself. It taught me that I am mostly resistant to change. I shouldn't be so resistant, and that I should learn to embrace and accept it more readily. I also learned that I should be grabbing more opportunities, and that I shouldn't be tied down to anything if there is no concrete reason to do so. Here in the UK, I should be making the most of every opportunity, rather than piss my life away. That was what I was doing back in New Zealand, and it was one of the many regrets I had during that quarter-life crisis episode. Overall, the month was difficult, but I learned a lot and hopefully I can move forward from this.

What do you do when the Head says "Go!" but the Heart says "Stay!"? Just ask someone else who understands.

The Quarter-Life Crisis / Is Change Good? Part 1

Everything happens for a reason...

It's been over a month since my last post. I could have done some lazy posting, but that's not what I want to achieve with my blog. Over the past month, I've had a roller coaster of experiences and emotions, and I feel it is time to write some of these thoughts down.

At the beginning of last month, I went through a bit of a depression period. Obviously I didn't need to take Prozac, or even feel the urge to take anti-depressants, but the feelings were pretty strong and at times I got quite upset and frustrated with myself. There were events in my life that I questioned. In particular, I thought about all the things that could have been... if things had turned out differently. Why didn't I do more in high school? Why wasn't I more involved at university? Why did I stay in university for five long years? Why didn't I accept that job offer instead of working at the university for a year? Why did it take so long to finally go travelling? Why, why, why?

And there were many more questions I kept asking myself, and I couldn't come up with any reasonable answers.

These feelings are symptomatic to what is known as a Quarter-life Crisis, which is named by analogy with the mid-life crisis. Indeed, I was going through a quarter-life crisis of my own. I've been through these feelings before and normally got through it unscathed. But this episode was particularly crippling, going as far as to affect my work and personal life. It was fair to say that I was a bit of a wreck.

It all started when I was flicking through one of my friend's photo albums. I wanted to see what they were like, what they got up to, and their life experiences, when they were just starting to step into adulthood, around the 18-20 year-old mark. These albums were very comprehensive, and I immediately learned that this person liked to keep memories of all that happened to them at the time.

And then I immediately started questioning why I didn't have these kinds of experiences when I was at, or around, the same stage in my life. It all felt so unfair. It felt like I had failed an exam and had to be held back an extra year just to make it up. I didn't realise it at the time, but I was already feeling insecure about my past and present accomplishments. And the fact that I will be turning 30 next month, and the nostalgic memories contained in the albums, triggered such a strong unhealthy emotional response.

I thought about all the possible scenarios that could have resulted if I had done something differently in life. For example, if I had chosen that job offer, instead of working at the university, I could have gained more work experience starting from a younger age, and I would have gotten further along in my chosen career. Instead, I spent a year working at the university doing an unsatisfying job. Another example was why didn't I go travelling a lot earlier in my life. I recall the possibility of living in Japan for a time after I had finished high school. If I had gone down that path I would have gained an enormous life experience at such a young age, which would have served me well later on. Instead I went to university, and stayed there for five years. The more I entertained these fantasy scenarios in my mind, the more I got depressed with reality. But to relieve the depression I would entertain more fantasy scenarios in my mind thinking how good life could have been... only to get myself even more depressed with my current situation when I realised that it didn't happen at all.

I didn't realise it at the time, but I was caught up in a vicious cycle.

Whilst going through my mp3 collection for some melancholic tracks to reflect the mood I was in, I listened to one track which I haven't heard for a very long time. The song is a soundtrack from one of my favourite animated movies, Joseph: King of Dreams. If you're not familiar with the biblical account of Joseph, Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, and is made a servant of a wealthy Egyptian named Potiphar, eventually becoming the head of the household. When Potiphar's wife tries to seduce Joseph and accuses him of rape, Potiphar casts Joseph into jail.

The song that he sang in jail struck a chord in me. The song is called Better Than I. Have a listen to it, and decide for yourself whether it speaks to you as clearly as it spoke to me.

When I heard those words "You know better than I, You know the way, I've let go the need to know why, for you know better than I", I knew that there was no point entertaining any fantasy scenarios in my head. I had to drop what I was feeling and just put my trust in Him. And then I thought of Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Everything happens for a reason. And whatever things that happened in the past happened for a particular reason. And even up till now, I still don't know the reasons, but I've slowly let go the need to know why. Slowly, but surely, I managed to cut away the internal conflict that was haunting me during the month. Playing this track on repeat has been more-or-less therapeutic to me during this difficult time.

It took a while to get over these negative feelings, but I think I've gotten through the worst of it. I'm now travelling in the UK, which is what I've always wanted, so I'm happy that I've managed to make it happen, even if it did take a lot longer than I would have liked. The number one objective while I am here is to do as much as I can. But I also need to put my trust in God because he has a plan for me.

I want to continue onto my next topic Is Change Good?, but I feel that this would make this blog post very long. So I will split it into two parts, and will write the second part once I've managed to articulate my thoughts better on the subject. To be continued.....

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here

So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through

I try to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in you

For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me will you teach me

For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I